By the Book: Sex Talk with Your Local Librarian, Chapter 4
Written by Emma Willig.
Do you remember last month when I said we could talk about something a little more fun? (I promise I’m off my wannabe-mom-worried-about-everyone’s-condom-use soapbox… but, honestly, how good are those “her pleasure” ones?)
Okay, okay – this month we’re talking about two of my favorite words: Security and Adventure. At first glance, these two do not seem to go together – in fact, they are opposites.
Security is my book and fleece blanket, maybe tea if my mood is right, maybe some essential oil diffuser mist swirling around my room, maybe even two blankets. My controlled environment. Security is knowing I paid my bills on time (GIRL). Security is watching my mom laugh. Security is taking a risk with only two very certain, and I’m good with either, outcomes.
Adventure is packing a bag for a trip I don’t know is coming yet. Adventure is being on the trip without a hotel or reservations for the night. Adventure is knowing I hate seafood and sticking the whole sushi piece in my mouth. Adventure is laughing so hard with my best friends that the sound of my voice becomes unfamiliar and tears begin sprouting from eyelids.
Both of these are essential, but how crucial is it that they go hand-in-hand? Either one on its own, on the extreme end of the spectrum, is dangerous. They’re unpredictable – yes, even security in its extreme is unpredictable because you can’t control everything. Be real – when do things actually go to plan? Ha!
So, I ask you, why, in our most vulnerable, naked moments, do we not embrace the conversation between security and adventure with our partners? I will tell you: We are scared.
Real talk: If your partner is not open or not ready for these conversations, then they are not for you.
We are scared we won’t be on the same page. We are scared that something we thought was normal is actually a weird fetish – that the standard protocol positions are not enough, that WE are not enough. I’m always scared I’m not flexible enough or that my partner isn’t making enough noises or that my partner cares about the fact that my pinky toe nail polish came off. Like, what? Bye.
Let me tell you: We all have similar fears – even the weird ones – but start talking anyway. Have a mature conversation with your partner about something different that you want to try. Explain that even if the new thing is simple, or “standard” – it’s not to you. It’s brand spanking new! (Hey-oh!) That calls for the need of a comforting environment and openness from your partner.
This month’s book: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands by Chelsea Handler
Let me be clear – this book can be seen as problematic. There are some undertones that are not my favorite, but important to recognize. She’s controversial – she IS Chelsea Handler. At the same time, it’s what I enjoy about this book: her brutal honesty. Her relationship with her own sexuality isn’t perfect – it’s exploratory – and it’s her own. She owns it. One thing I will always respect about women is their truth, and Chelsea Handler is straight up living in her truth. Check it out at your local library!
I think the adventure aspect is the easier part. There’s always new experimenting to do with so many books, articles, informationals, YouTube videos, old wives tales, etc., etc.
But security is difficult. I believe it comes from two places: trust in yourself and trust in your partner. Depending on who you are, one of those might be easier than the other, or they both might feel nearly impossible.
I’ll say that trust in yourself is first. It’s vital. We have talked about this before, but confidence is everything. Knowing you ARE enough, you ARE capable of starting the conversation, you ARE an equal stakeholder in the partnership, NO ONE cares about your pinky toe polish – those things are so small anyway. Hold hands with your partner and talk; it’s truly so comforting.
Emma’s Two Cents: Do some research and initiate the conversation. Ask your partner to try a new thing that you’re interested in. This can be as simple as waking up early together to have morning sex. Don’t feel like you have to be extra; the point is to mix up your routine! Add some spice. I don’t mean like, ghost peppers. If you were eating tacos, that would be a whole conversation; don’t treat your sex life as less than your taco life.
Maybe you have one of those groovy, opposites-attract partnerships, and you can find a shared hand-in-hand aspect of meeting each other halfway. Or maybe you and your partner are the same and you can grow together by challenging one another at an appropriate speed. OR maybe you are just you, and you can spend some time discovering what you love about both of those words with yourself. All of those options are healthy…and at the end of it, that’s the goal.
I urge you this month to try something new. Whether that’s planning to have sex (which honestly can be fun and build up the tension with flirty texts), buying a new outfit for your partner, taking yourself on a freaking date to remind you of how important you are, or finally opening up the conversation about your likes and dislikes with your partner.
Next month, get your guys to tune in because I have a dope book planned!
X.O.,
Emma
Community Mix is our monthly hodge-podge of content from the voices of a hodge-podge of beautiful Cincinnatians. Catch “By the Book” from your local librarian Emma Willig on the first Saturday of every month for a journey through the strange and wonderful world of sex.